Relationships galore

Archies has neatly categorised it. For Mother, Father, Sister, Husband….The thoughts are apt and beautifully printed. The range of emotions belonging to the mother-child relationship for example, are all there; it is only a matter of choice.
Personally though I would feel a bit cheated to know that others have sent the same card to their husbands. Or that glorious bouquet on the ‘for a Special Mother’ card sent by my daughter is but a clone of several thousands. A bit like a popular Cotton world T shirt which hangs in rows of all sizes, with sleeves, collar and without…
. While comparing notes with friends abroad, I discovered that the propensity to have it all said in print-a full card page sometimes-was an Indian characteristic. I thought of the author thereof who must have stretched his emotional, semantic and imaginative limits to compose pages of ‘miss you’ and ‘love you’ messages….and of the ‘miss’ - weary human who would be sending it to another. Perhaps he/she didn’t want to miss the bus and took this pre emptive measure. The ‘ For A wonderful boss’ series had enticing words for the gullible boss, words of warm praise which neither would associate with each other.
Greetings cards of course aren’t all that mark, make or promote relationships. Cadbury’s would nurture them with its old creations in new packs and ads; while a certain stirring tea claims to build relationships along with its toxic caffeine content. A paint commercial would suggest that it can double as matrimonial catalyst; cell phones- in the Indian context-seem like the long awaited messiahs who bring boy and girl and their respective uncles, aunts and parents together in matrimony. In fact, aren’t commercials more about enhancing the feel-good aspect of relationships, however caricaturized: dedicated parent-child ones, spouse-spouse, brother-sister…?
We often like relationships to be well labelled. Youngsters can define the moment they start ‘seeing’ someone and the moment they ‘break off’ or ‘call it off’. What changes when the ‘seeing’ ceases and yet they see each other over a cup of tea or an assignment? The duties and rights thereof? Experience and wisdom suggest that a daughter may remain a daughter for life while a son’s loyalty can be expected to shift gears after marriage. And yet, in another social reality, the son is the baton holder who keeps the race going. What makes a daughter in law ‘like a daughter’ (gossip or gifts?), a friend like a sister, X or Y a father figure, aunty or uncle? Guys are safely addressed as brothers. In the Indian context, smugglers and gangsters are united in brotherhood; sisters and mothers lean towards the saintlier side.
Undefined, grey areas of relationships however have their own appeal. Soulmateship perhaps lies in the greyest of grey areas. Someone thinking/feeling/perceiving just like me sends a wave of comforting thrill of endorsement or complementarities. But I do wonder whether soulmateship comes in bits and pieces. X and I are Nature freaks, Y and I transcend the spiritual together while Z makes my ideal shopping partner, not to forget A whose vivacity of spirit is just made for my happiness. Bu then B thinks of me just when I think of him/her, althought thousands of miles separate us; telepathy holds a charm that the most instant of instant messaging doesn’t…
But the need for nomenclature gives such relationships multiple names. Like various flavours of ice cream which go to form a scoop or two, one can be mother, child, friend, sometimes in layers, sometimes jumbled. ‘Friend-guide and philosopher’ would then be the cassata relationship. The best examples of these ‘calorie-rich’ relationships come from the spiritual domain. god can become lover, protector, child, guest, father…Tulsidas, in a moving song, tells God “many relationships connect you and me; choose the one which pleases you”. Whether God expressed his preference is a moot point but the line left me wondering how idyllic life would be if we could all say that to each other. Choice has its flip side too though and perhaps at least a part of humanity would be more comfortable with a firm “this relationship binds you and me and this is how we are supposed to express it”.
The mother of all relationships is perhaps that of the child as father of man and the most mysterious perhaps that of seeing God as a child.
Relationships are like mirrors, said a philosopher. Or like personality building blocks. In a way then I am the sum of what others reflect of me and also of what I reflect of others. Like the stripes of a zebra (black on white, white on black?) I would end up not knowing what the Pure Me is and what the ‘built up Me’ is. An ideal mother, a passable wife, a dedicated daughter, a lazy correspondent, a hopeless team mate…perhaps life would be easier if akin to the creatures of the coral reefs, humans could be color coded: blue: toxic, red: venomous; yellow: friendly. Not that they would lend themselves to such coding or, to give them the benefit of the doubt, they would perhaps not recognize their own toxicity levels. Most would perhaps identify with the Sulawesi octopus which changes colour to gently lead a prey to its mouth. The predator-prey relationship is perhaps one of the more fascinating ones which keeps the world going. What would happen if Oliver the octopus found himself feeling differently towards Henry the hermit crab? Of course humans can add substantially to the octopus-crab equation; in fact, chameleons would trigger a chord in them like perhaps no other creature. But a cow adopting and nurturing an abandoned fawn-perhaps a simple natural bonding-attracted media attention. Some worshipped the duo too, while fighting for their place in the queue.
Some relationships are best within context and before expiry date: teacher-student, doctor-patient for example. The ebb and flow of life ensure that new relationships must replace old ones. But life is strange. A hostage begins to feel a strange tugging towards his captor, admiration masquerades as love; hatred is said to be another side of love: like a two way mirror, feel one and express it with the other, the message will reach. Blood is said to be thicker than most fluids; and yet, the most binding relationships can happen on the least physical of mediums, across cyber or spiritual space. Some have the knack of keeping a relationship chugging, strictly on track. Formalities and norms ensure it. I have a 100 year old penpal, with whom I have been corresponding for the last 30 years. We have never spoken to each other but she can feel my pains and joys as much as the people around me.

‘well connected’, ‘related to so and so’ ‘descendent of such and such a family’ are strong cable connections in life. The Indian system traces ancestry back to the ‘rishis’ (ascetics) of yore. A new born baby is not only comfortable in his cushiony crib, he is equally cushioned by his descent. Science has recently undertaken to trace right back to its origins human evolution. Isnt it fascinating to think that my ancestors were Africans? That perhaps yours, mine, why everyone’s ancestors were trekmates in the Ice Age? That perhaps one day our descendents would be perhaps fellow trekkers in the Milky way?A

Would we then “start as parental fantasies and die as our grand children’s memories” as a psychologist said or would be specks of relationships in the Universe?

But in the last count, across all the criss cross of relationships that sustain us, the ones we are born with and the ones we create in our life, amid our efforts to trace our ultimate family tree and our desire to perpetuate it, across our sense of clanhood and manhood, through acts of altruism and through our spiritual quests and invocations, I have a sneaking doubt that it is only the relationship with our own selves that we seek to define. ‘I’ by any other name smells just as sweet isn’t it?

Even as I reach this momentous conclusion, a small newspaper item catches my attention: “Call it God’s wish or man’s ultimate tribute to relationships,” it says, about Percy 105 and Florence 100, who will soon complete 80 years of marriage. “we kiss every night. He can’t settle if I am not holding his hand”.

It’s THAT simple really!