The Foolproofing manual

The fool-proofing manual

‘Make sure to call her once a week but don’t run after her. Let her also miss you’ ‘Slogging your ass off isn’t going to help you come up in life. Learn to take care of your interests first’.
‘which bank and which scheme give the best returns?’
‘an MBA is a must these days’.
‘a Chinese 10 lever lock is burglar-proof’
…
the number 13
and of course ‘don’t put all your eggs in one basket’….
Forewarned is forearmed…

The do’s and don’ts of life…handed down through generations… the ‘The Foolproofing Manual’.
Coming to think of it, don’t we spend a great part of our thinking, feeling and actions trying to make life as fool-proof as possible?

Or constantly proof-read life. But someone said ‘proof reading works best after publication’.
So it is with life.
With the limitations of my memory I try to include the results of the latest fiasco in the next venture-from sweet making to husband-tackling- for a fool-proof success formula. You guessed it…the word ‘proof’ remains proof of its prooflessness. If only I had let the syrup simmer longer and the husband simmer less…
Imagine life without ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’…but ‘but’ seems to tag ‘if’ everywhere. If I walk on the pavement, my life is safe. But speeding water tankers and buses have their own priorities and logic…
Logic.
Logic would be an important tool in fool-proofing life. If the science of reasoning guided all human actions, life would be one smooth super-expressway ride. But there are as many logics as there are humans-a person can be multi-logical too. Whence all the thought-traffic jams and the need for more fool-proofing life, like life insurance. Or simply plugging leaks. Like forest trails made to help people explore without thorny bruises, tradition, customs, ‘castes and creeds’ are the time-tested MCil for many of us. ‘if it worked for my great grand parents, it should work for me’ seems to be the trusting formula.
If what worked?
Assurance, abortions, certificates, checks, credulity, credibility, charms, guard, insurance, faith, horoscopes, mantras, pesticides, prophesies, promises, prayers, pledges, quarantine, register, savings, safeguard, seal, stick, staple, talismans, ultrascans, vaccination, vows, watchfulness, x-ray…the fool-proofing manual of life would have a varied and abundant lexicon; with appendices added often as the world becomes an increasingly threatening place to all beings and the environment.

Competition worries us; the threat of failure makes us paranoid. How peaceful life would be if our children were born easily, grew up without a whimper, studied like angels, transited to working smoothly, married decently, parented just like us and took dutifully care of us in old age…if rains fell in time, if the cash-box was never starved, if osteoporosis never knew me, if things –including teeth-didn’t wear, tear or get lost, if EQ, bad cholesterol and Alzeihmer’s were undiscovered once more, if kids became kids once more, if my front door latch never failed, if expectations didn’t dog me and duties didn’t bog me, if I could live ‘forever’ happily cushioned between safety and security…..death would be a mere faint, remote occurrence which would not touch me…
If loopholes didn’t exist… like a well-looking samosa in the making, two sides are amply pulled and tightly pressed while the third gives it all away and springs a good leak while in the frying pan…life has a way of coming off at the seams at the wrong moments. …the more we want a safe flight in life, the more elaborate the safeguards. As a recent cartoon showed, at the end of the security check, when a passenger is asked for his boarding pass it is the only thing left on him! As someone rightly said ‘security is not what you have but what you can do without’.


‘Don’t tell me that caring, planning, praying and saving haven’t stood the test of time’…I hear a voice say…maybe my own subdued playback. The comfort of knowing that the thoughtfully built ancestral mansion could be mine one day-it is such a godsent that there is an advocate right next door-, that granny will unfailingly make the 108 modaks to Lord Ganesha to ensure that I get my 99%, that this piece of paper called the FD receipt is my security in 10 years, that All Knowing Aunty is still around..her formula has worked so far( the girl is indeed missing me!!) and I feel Aunty does have an auspicious tongue…she will surely lead me to my destination.
Destination?
Marriage, promotion, job, property, winner rat in rat race.The ups of life. to be always happy, one up, always prosperous, to never falter, to never lose-money or husband or anything, to never have to search by oneself, for oneself, oneself…